How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow?
I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole.
—Carl Jung
Let’s continue our discussion about the human shadow—those parts of ourselves we keep out of the light, hidden deep in our unconscious. As we talked about in the last installment, we can find our shadow by looking at what upsets us—sometimes irrationally—in others and in other situations. We can also find it in what obsesses us.
These are our projections of the shadow: seeing what is hidden in us projected onto others. Usually, these are elements that we have disowned in ourselves, elements of our psyche that are too distasteful to own, so we let others carry them for us. Then we get all bent out of shape about it/them. Much easier to deal with something outside ourselves than to deal with the murky insides, right?
Eating the Shadow: Why Bother?
First, let’s take a look at why integrating, assimilating, or eating the shadow is important. It all comes down to energy. We leak energy every time we project our stuff onto someone else. In order to be our highest selves, we need our own energy for the journey along our path to wholeness.
When the opposites are realized to be one, discord melts into concord,
battles become dances, and old enemies become lovers.
We are then in a position to make friends with all of our universe,
not just one half of it.
—Ken Wilber
Ken Wilber’s 3-2-1 Process
Ken Wilber’s 3-2-1 Process helps you recognize your shadow and integrate unconscious thoughts and emotions. That way, we free the energy we were using to hide from ourselves.
3-2-1 refers to 3rd person, 2nd person, and 1st person perspectives.
When an aspect of the self poses a threat, the self seeks to distance itself from that threat. As a result, the self concludes, "That is not me. That is someone else."
The self exports the trait that threatens it and projects it onto someone else. We can disown both lower and higher aspects of ourselves. In either case, we project it as "You."
You are angry. You are too sexual. You are a guru. In other words, we displace it from a 1st - person "I" to a 2nd- person "You."
If the threat of this emotion or situation becomes so great that it requires a total rejection, we push it away into a 3rd- person "It." At that point, the shadow arises as a sense of irritation, reactivity, fear, or aversion toward things, but we usually do not understand why we feel this way.
Reintegrating What We Have Disowned
In order to integrate the shadow, we need to reidentify with disowned dimensions of our experience and ourselves. We can only do this once we have re-owned, re-associated, and re-identified with the disowned parts of ourselves. That is why shadow work is so important.
When I’ve used this exercise with clients, I’ve used the empty chair method, where the client literally sits opposite a chair that they imagine holds the person they have a problem with. Sometimes we do it as a meditation as the client envisions sitting next to that person. You decide what works best for you.
Here is Wilber’s practice for you to try yourself, as well as this link to read more[1].
Exercise: The 3-2-1 Process (Ken Wilber/Integral Institute)
1. Prepare: Think of a troublesome aspect of your life that you want to work with. Sometimes a person is easier (e.g., lover, relative, boss). This person may irritate, disturb, annoy, or upset you. There’s the flip side of the shadow, too: The positive. Maybe you feel attracted to, obsessed with, infatuated with, or possessive about this person or thing. In any case, choose someone with whom you have a strong emotional charge, whether positive or negative.
2. Face It: Now, imagine this person/entity. Describe those qualities that most upset you, or the characteristics that you are most attracted to using 3rd-person language (he, she, it). For example, “She is selfish.” “He is arrogant.” “It is a much healthier lifestyle than I have or could have.” Talk about them out loud or write it down in a journal. Take this opportunity to "let it out." Don't try to be skillful or say the right thing. There is no need to sugar-coat your description. The person you are describing will never see this.
3. Talk to It: Begin an imaginary dialogue with this person. Speak in 2nd person to this person (using "you" language). Talk directly to this person as if he or she were actually there in the room with you. Tell them what bothers you about them. Ask them questions such as "Why are you doing this to me?" "What do you want from me?" "What are you trying to show me?" "What do you have to teach me?" Imagine their response to these questions. Speak that imaginary response out loud. Record the conversation in your journal if you like.
4. Be It: Become this person. Take on the qualities that either annoy or fascinate you. Embody the traits you described in "Face It." Use 1st-person language (I, me, mine). This may feel awkward, and it should. The traits you are taking on are the exact traits that you have been denying in yourself. Use statements such as "I am selfish," "I am arrogant," "I live/can live a healthy lifestyle." Fill in the blank with whatever qualities you are working with: "I am__________."
5. Conclusion: To complete the process, notice these disowned qualities in yourself. Experience the part of you that is this very trait. Avoid making the process abstract or conceptual: just be it. Now you can re-own and integrate this trait in yourself.
[1] The practice itself is no longer available on the website, so I’m reproducing it here. All rights belong to Integral Institute.