Once I became fully menopausal at 49, I had already been through three or four years of grueling symptoms—night sweats, mood swings, hair loss, and sporadic ritual seppuku of my self-esteem—some of which I’m sure contributed to the demise of my marriage. When my husband left me (shortly after my 50th birthday), I stood and surveyed the scorched landscape of my life and thought, Well, shit. This can’t be so bad. At least now I’m a crone.
My plan was to embrace this new phase and rebuild my life with Crone energy.
I went to a trusted crone in my circle of awakened women and gleefully told her the news of my ceased menstruation and the desire to celebrate it with a croning ceremony.
“I even have a staff!” I told her[1]. She smiled kindly and suggested I take it up with the high priestess of our group.
My intuition told me that was her gentle way of imparting the message: Not yet. Not yet.
After considering her words, not to mention her lack of enthusiasm, I did not reach out to our high priestess, and I never did anything to celebrate my moons-gone-cold besides tying three gifted pelican feathers to my staff, each wrapped with vegan sinew and beaded with lepidolite stones, which had also been gifted to me for the occasion of my menopause.
The staff now sits behind me at my desk, unfinished, reminding me of the Not yet.
So, if I was not a crone yet, what was I? With what Self would I guide myself to replant the scorched earth that my life had become?
The Queen
Less common in the archetypal Triple Goddess Maiden/Mother/Crone phases of a woman’s life is The Queen.
This is the phase between Mother (Birthing/Nurturing) and the Crone (Wisdom-keeping/-bestowing).
The Queen is also known by other names:
· Maga: The female version of Magus (Magician). A conjuror and manifestor of what she needs to invoke and embody her highest being.
· Virgin: Not the Maiden kind, but like the virgin tree in the forest who is singular and pure, connected (through her roots) yet stands in solitary power.
· Enchantress/Wild Woman: Rediscovering who she is, with wisdom and maturity to guide her, she becomes whole in herself. Discerning. She is spiritually and emotionally grounded in her Self. Her focus shifts from sole self-gratification to future generations.
During this time of life, we cease production of new children and focus on investing in our children’s children—or the youth within our communities.
Wise Blood
The shamanic perspective of perimenopause and menopause is that when we no longer bleed out life-supporting energy, we retain its power. This retained power is our Wise Blood, which leads to “wise womanhood.”
That power stays within us, nourishing our inner lives. It prepares us for our next phase of life, to be the elders of our communities, supporting them with our wisdom.
In other words, during this time of life, we cease production of new children and focus on investing in our children’s children—or the youth within our communities.
What to Do in Our Queen Time
There is tremendous creative power in our Queen/Maga/Virgin/Enchantress years. During this time we may choose to—
Gather
We need this time to gather the magic of our true selves. Pull from our 50+ years of lived experience and learn from the moments of pain and grace they have afforded us. We can do this through journaling, body-based meditation (Interoception or felt-sense of our bodies), and seeking the counsel of elders.
Discern
Midlife is a time of discernment. This is when we take a careful look at our relationships, patterns, thought processes, and spiritual practices (or lack thereof) and decide what is serving us and what is not. It is a time to lovingly let go of those connections to people, places, objects, and behaviors that do not contribute to our holy selves. We do this not only for our own benefit but to prepare ourselves for the psychospiritually unencumbered support of those younger people who will need our counsel.
Relax
During perimenopause and menopause, we are in a particular kind of transition that requires us to be gentle with ourselves. The gathering time is specific to each of us. Unclench. Soften. Let the Self in. Have a cup of tea with her. Listen to what she has to say. Sure, there are still responsibilities and daily-grind tasks, but we may not need to do them all. Where can we delegate in service to the wise woman we are becoming?
Celebrate
I made a mistake by not celebrating my Queendom. This is absolutely a time in which to revel. Perhaps we need to reach midlife in order to fully embrace the freedom to gather and discern. Before, we may have been held back by societal expectations or even relationships that clouded trust in our intuition. If it feels right, celebrate that freedom with a good ol’ hootenanny with your sister-Queens, or even a solitary honoring of this precious time in your life.
I’m not sure why the Queen phase has been generally left out of the Triple Goddess lineup. (I guess it would cease to be Triple then, wouldn’t it?) Perhaps some wise one reading this can offer their thoughts. For my part, I would love to see The Queen/Maga/Virgin/Enchantress/Wild Woman brought more deeply into view and practice among women in midlife—and into society as a whole.
For now, I’ve decided that my staff will honor my Queening. I procured it. I will continue to decorate it. In that way, my staff becomes a symbol of Self-creation. It will be a solid support for me as I make my way into my croning years.
[1] Croning staffs are typically chosen and decorated by the woman who inducts you into cronehood and bestowed upon you as a gift at your croning ceremony. Selecting my own staff so no one else had to bother with the task was a pretty solid indicator that I wasn’t ready to step into Crone energy. *sigh*