We must become so alone, so utterly alone, that we withdraw into our innermost self. It is a way of bitter suffering. But then our solitude is overcome, we are no longer alone, for we find that our innermost self is the spirit, that it is God, the indivisible. And suddenly we find ourselves in the midst of the world, yet undisturbed by its multiplicity, for our innermost soul we know ourselves to be one with all being.
― Hermann Hesse
Solitude is such an essential subject that I’m going to break it up into two parts. This first segment is about the importance of solitude, but also some of the drawbacks we encounter around solitude. In the next segment, we’ll talk about how to create a solitude practice.
That Inward Turning
Some of you may think of the word solitude and be gripped with fear or aversion. Many of us simply don't like being alone. Perhaps we don't want to be alone with our thoughts because we fear what might come up. When we spend time alone, it makes sense that we are turning inward to self. That inward turning may bring up scary thoughts and feelings that we are not prepared to deal with. It's often much easier for us to stay active, to distract ourselves with activities or other people. No one wants to sit in solitude and face the darkness.
There is another side to solitude, however. There is the regenerative kind. When we sit in solitude with ourselves, yes, some darkness may come up, but we also have the quietness to address that darkness. What's the purpose of that? The purpose is to integrate all aspects of ourselves, so that that darkness, those negative thoughts and feelings, those frightening parts of ourselves, won't be so eager to make an appearance in our daily lives.
More importantly, the positive side of solitude is that we get an opportunity to recharge our batteries—our soul batteries—so that we can get back to the world more authentically. Solitude, then, becomes a gift that we give ourselves. We will talk more about both sides of solitude, but first, let's take a look at what solitude means.
What is Solitude?
Solitude is an intentional period of time set aside to reconnect to Self. Ideally, it is a sacred time, designed to recharge your soul’s batteries so that you can give back to the world.
Another way to put it is that solitude is designated time alone with the intention of self-care, self-rejuvenation. How long? It depends. We’re going to talk in the next segment about developing a solitude practice. That means once a day you spend some time in solitude doing something that restores you. This could be even five minutes of meditation, or it can mean taking a bath or reading your favorite book or traveling solo. On a regular basis, a solitude practice would ideally involve at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time in communion with Self.
Why Are There Aversions to Solitude?
Human beings are community-based. We are not necessarily designed to be solitary creatures. We have the option to spend time in solitude, but if we spend too much time alone, it may be considered suspect within societal norms. Part of this societal norm is based on safety in numbers. We are communicators and need to be present (not isolated) in order to sniff each other out and make sure all is okay within the "tribe."
Our earliest memories of solitude may involve situations where we could not find a playmate and the next best thing was playing alone. There's a sense of dejection in that. Even if you end up having a great time playing by yourself, the entire condition was sparked by a kind of rejection: There is no one else to play with me.
Another memory we might have of solitude, is that it is used oftentimes when we’re children as a punishment. When we have done something wrong, our caregiver might say, go to your room. Now we are in a state of forced isolation. One that we had no control over. No one likes that. If you compound that forced isolation with the message, go to your room and think about what you've done, we’re now forced to stay alone and contemplate nasty things. Such as, what we did wrong. There is no punishment that says, go to your room and remember when wonderful human being you are, that you're better than the wrong thing that you did. That would be wonderful, wouldn't it? So this leaves us as grown-ups in a state of aversion to solitude due to patterning.
Think of prison. Besides the death penalty, the worst punishment you can get is solitary confinement. Being forced to sit alone. Obviously, it's worse than that, because you have absolutely no contact with anyone else for extended periods of time. And that is a punishment. The reason that is a true punishment is that we need solitude so that we can regenerate and revive our souls in order to give back to the world through communication with others.
So we developed this aversion to solitude from experience. That time alone may be infused with negative feelings or thoughts that can come up. But as we mentioned earlier, solitude also gives us time to work through those feelings and integrate them so that they don't become part of our relations with other human beings in our lives.
May Sarton, author of Journal of a Solitude says:
Does anything in nature despair except man? An animal with a foot caught in a trap does not seem to despair. It is too busy trying to survive. It is all closed in, to a kind of still, intense waiting. Is this a key? Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.
This, too, shall pass, in other words. When we have thoughts in meditation, for example, we let them go. Anyone who practices meditation knows that thoughts come in—some good, some scary, some dark—but they pass like clouds in the sky. Or as Chögyal Namkhai Norbu, a Dzogchen Buddhist master taught, we should be like a mirror reflecting what passes in front of it, but not judging. This is the same in our time alone. When these thoughts arise, we can see them, process them, and let them go.
That’s just a tip for dealing with any aversion to aloneness you have. But solitude doesn’t have to be dark and scary! There are numerous benefits to spending time alone.
Solitude Versus Loneliness
But first, before we talk about benefits, let’s make the distinction between solitude and loneliness.
Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.
—May Sarton
Loneliness is a state of mind. Negative ideas encircle that state, thoughts of being abandoned or of not being worthy of human interaction. By turning those thoughts off—simply not letting them have airtime in our minds—we leave room to cultivate positive facts about our life alone. For example, instead of, “What if secretly no one really likes me?” think: “In my life alone, I have time and peace of mind to accomplish my goals.” In essence, we can turn negative loneliness into positive aloneness.
In truth, because we are connected to all around us, we are never alone. Even in solitude. José Mujica, President of Uruguay from 2010 to 2015: “When you have a lot of solitude, any living thing becomes a companion.” Whether we are alone or not, we are a part of the entire cosmic realm. There is no need to be lonely because we are not separate from anyone or anything. Not really.
Benefits of Solitude
There are numerous benefits to mind, body, and spirit when we commit to a solitude practice. Paradoxically, spending time alone actually improves our relationships in the outside world by realigning these three elements of self. It helps us bring our authentic selves to our interactions with others.
Mental
We can do more when we’re not hindered by mental clutter.
Perhaps the most obvious benefit of solitude can be seen in the area of our mental capacities. When we have a problem or issue around which we require clarity, time alone helps us to work through problems more clearly. Solitude allows us to clear our minds of mental chatter and get to the root of the issue without distractions from the outside world.
Solitude also improves mental concentration. By practicing solitude regularly, we can—through the science of neuroplasticity—retrain our brains to fall into a state of clear thinking when faced with a difficult mental task, such as a complex problem at work or an ethical decision that needs to be made within a relationship. By improving our concentration, our productivity naturally elevates as well. We can do more when we’re not hindered by mental clutter.
Additionally, solitude can improve creativity. While working in groups can certainly help to generate new ideas, it is solitude that helps us to sort through those ideas and even elaborate on them in detail. This kind of mental effort requires the removal of distractions. In true creative mode, the only voice we need to hear is our own. As any artist will tell you, true creativity is born of solitude. It is this clarity of mind—the temporary removal of our responsibilities to the outside world and the silencing of the critical voices in our heads—that allows us to open ourselves to the vastness of possibility.
Physical
When we take time for ourselves in solitude and step away from the mania of our busy lives, our bodies react positively by reducing our inflammation levels, reactivating our bodies’ functional parasympathetic nervous system, our rest and digest state.
Our bodies are intimately connected to our mental states. When we take time in solitude, stress levels are reduced, which has a tremendous positive impact on our health. Most of us have heard that stress as a “killer disease,” but many of us don’t know why. Stress causes our bodies to enter into sympathetic mode—our protective fight, flight or freeze state regulated by the steroid hormone cortisol. Cortisol reduces inflammation, which is a good thing. However, when we stay in this heightened stress state—one of chronic inflammation—the once-helpful cortisol begins to suppress our immune system, which leads to a host of physical ailments including diabetes, heart disease, even infertility, and erectile dysfunction.
Overall, solitude promotes a sense of calm. When we take time for ourselves in solitude and step away from the mania of our busy lives, our bodies react positively by reducing our inflammation levels, reactivating our bodies’ functional parasympathetic nervous system, our rest and digest state. It slows our heart rate, lets our intestinal, tract muscles relax, and increases healthy productive gland activity.
With a regular solitude practice, we are better able to handle stressors as they arise rather than giving into the anxieties that we encounter on a daily basis.
Spiritual
Our cherished time alone, as if by magic, replenishes our resources to give back to others more fluidly and profoundly.
Solitude allows us to rediscover the most elevated, most spiritually evolved self we can be. I say “rediscover” because there was once a time when we were intimately connected to our Highest Selves: at birth. Even before. Before we needed to costume ourselves with what Carl Jung calls our persona—the mask that conceals our true nature—so that we feel we can get along in the world of others, we were connected to the perfection of creative energy. That connection was as effortless as a drop of water joining the ocean. Solitude gives us time to re-familiarize ourselves with the innate spark of Source carried within us.
Our cherished time alone, as if by magic, replenishes our resources to give back to others more fluidly and profoundly. In short, when our Self is honored by taking time to reconnect with our soul and celebrate life, not only will life become richer, that richness will, in turn, spill over into our lives with friends, family, colleagues—even strangers.
What Happens If We Don’t Spend Time Alone?
When we do not spend time alone, we do not have a chance to recharge our soul's batteries. It's like having a party and filling everyone's glass with an empty pitcher. The act may be genuine, but there is simply not enough energy to give.
This results in a kind of caregiver syndrome, which I see in clients all the time, particularly women. Maybe this is familiar to some people: someone who gives and gives to others but does not care for him- or herself. This makes even the most heartfelt acts of kindness empty in many ways. We have to put the oxygen masks on ourselves before we can help others.
What Does Solitude Look Like?
During your solitude practice, do only what brings you joy! That can be reading, dancing, sketching, meditating, taking a bath, or a long walk. Journaling is another powerful tool for self-connection. Your journal can hold all your thoughts and feelings—it becomes an extension of you, your own best friend.
What matters ultimately is that you decide what you do in solitude; that is the only way you will be excited to return to sacred time alone.
A Final Word About Solitude And Selfishness
Remember that regular solitude is not selfish, it's self-ish. Here’s a fact: If we don’t care for our selves—physically and emotionally our energy gets depleted—just like a battery. If you’ve ever tried to talk on your cellphone without a charge, you know it’s not very effective, right? You simply will not be communicating.
Taking regular time for ourselves allows us to recharge our batteries so we can give our most powerful energy to others as well as ourselves.
There’s nothing selfish about that.
In the next segment, we’re going to talk more about solitude and how to create your own solitude practice. In the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts about solitude or whatever self-related topic is in your life experience right now. Leave a comment below.