Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.
—Virginia Satir
Let’s talk about problems. We’ve all got them. Maybe they are concrete—a relationship issue or a confrontation with a family member. Sometimes they are more subtle feelings that we carry with us and even identify with—anger, jealousy, lust, resentment, low self-esteem, selfishness, narcissistic wounds. Sometimes the concrete and the subtle overlap.
Problems feel like parts of you that are broken and need to be healed.
So you try. You do more yoga, see a therapist, read books on whatever subject you’re grappling with, and watch a bunch of hopeful TED talks about stepping into your power. But you’re still depressed. Or anxious. Or you’ve lost your sex drive. Or you can’t stop binging food, chemical substances, television, or social media. And you’re sitting there saying, This sucks. I try so hard to be a good human being. What does the universe want from me?
These thoughts loop like that until you feel drained. (Of course you do; look at how much energy you’re expending trying and assessing the trying.)
Then you feel guilty that you have these feelings at all.
Now there’s a scary feeling. It’s scary to feel like you’ve strayed way off the path of awakening. Trying to find your way back seems impossible, especially since it may feel like you’ve tried everything.
Here’s the good news: You are never off the path. This is the path. The path (a.k.a. the life of an awakened being) is a journey of learning. Whatever we are going through is what we need to learn right now, at this moment.
I feel a need to repeat that:
Whatever we are going through is what we need to learn now.
We can stop battling with the parts of ourselves that are not functioning the way we would like because in fact they are helpers. That’s all!
Our problems are actually blessings pointing us in the direction of wholeness.
When we address our problems with love and without judgment, we honor our steps along the path and continue walking it. They are beacons that guide to our highest self.
Try this exercise: What Does the Funk Say?
Think about one troubling issue that’s surfacing for you at the moment. What’s bringing you down in your life? Sit down with it without judgment. Ask what does this “problem” want to teach me about myself? What part of my life is lacking love such that this problem had a chance to develop?
The problem is really a warning signal asking you to self-regulate. What does that mean? That your problem is essentially trying to help you. Something is off balance and the problem is letting you know that so you can return to your natural state of being—your highest self.
For example:
You’re depressed. Maybe you don’t even know why. Just been feeling down for the last week or month or so. So you sit down with this depression and you ask it, “Hey. What’s going on?” And the depression mumbles and tells you to fuck off. Nothing’s worth it.Well, that can’t be true, so let’s look at when this feeling all started. And it turns out that you’re really angry about something someone said to you or did to you. Could be a parent or a friend or a partner or a colleague. You’re fuming. How dare they! You’re so upset it’s actually ruining your day. And the next. And soon you’re avoiding that person. Soon after that, the anger turns in on itself and becomes depression. So now you’re depressed.
But it doesn’t stop there! Knowing the source is great. But now we need to ask what it wants you to know. What does the depression (or the emotion attached to the problem) want to teach you about yourself?
Well, we can see that it wants you to know you deserve better treatment. Interesting paradox, right? When we’re depressed we often think we are worthless. But in fact depression can be telling us that something is “off” in paradise and we’re upset about it. Because we know that something’s wrong, that means necessarily that there is a “right” feeling. And that is living as your highest self.
So, depression wants you to know you deserve better. And that it hurts to be hurt. All you need to do is listen. You don’t have to fix the issue. Just listen, the way you would listen to a friend. You cannot control what others do to you. You can speak to the offending party and say, “I didn’t like how that felt,” and you should if it’s a relationship worth keeping.
But ultimately you are responsible for the feelings you have. And once you really listen and hold space for those feelings, drop down into them and honor them, they, much like every other human being in the world, will feel satisfied because it has been heard and supported.
Even if the issue can’t be fixed, the emotion had a chance to be heard. Slowly it will cease to need attention. You don’t have to consciously release it, it will move out on its own.
Whatever difficult emotions or problems you work on in yourself, always do it with love.
Disgust, hatred, rejection, or repression of difficult parts of ourselves are spiritual boomerangs. They will most assuredly come back, landing somewhere deep in your shadow bag, or “the long bag we drag behind us,” as Robert Bly refers to it in A Little Book on the Human Shadow.
The universe has your back. It does because you are the universe. You are not separate from it. The universe/your highest self proves that it has your back in the only way it knows how: by using your most intimate language—the one you speak to yourself through your thoughts and your feelings and your body.
Greet whatever you encounter on your path—difficult or not—as a divinely chosen personal guru to guide you to your highest self.
If you’re intrigued enough to take this work deeper, consider a session or two with me to help you get on your feet.
If you also happen to be a woman in midlife who is on a psychospiritual path, there’s tailored assistance for you, as well as a growing community of like-minded sisters in midlife. I hope you’ll join us.