Building Your Foundation of Self: The Power of Nonjudgment
The latest from the Self Talk podcast
Self Talk with Rachel Astarte, Episode 133
For the wakeful, one whose mind is quiet, whose thoughts are undisturbed, who has relinquished judgment and blame, there is no fear.
—Buddha
Transcript [edited]
Nonjudgment is the lifeblood of Foundation of Self work.
Before we discuss nonjudgment and its role in building our Foundation of Self, let's take a minute to consider what judgment is—and why we judge in the first place.
The What + Why of Judging
Judgment of our surroundings is part of our safety and survival instinct. We're consciously or unconsciously sniffing out our environment all the time. What we want to know is this: Are we safe?
If we see something that doesn't seem right, our animal instinct causes us to pull back. When it comes to people, for example, we may wonder: Should I get close to this person? Are they safe?
Consider this: You see someone at a party, off in the corner alone, looking a bit menacing, maybe. You may decide to go over and say hello to that person, but you may also sense that this person may not want company, or perhaps is even unsafe to approach.
Respect also influences why we judge others.
Let’s say you’re out to dinner with someone who's rude to the wait staff. Can I respect a person who displays that kind of behavior? Is this a person I feel comfortable spending time with?
We humans need to understand the world around us.
In the 1950s, the Austrian psychologist Fritz Heider investigated this desire to understand our world. The result was his attribution theory, the process by which individuals explain the causes of behaviors and events—in other words, making sense of why people do what they do.
Part of attribution theory is the concept of our perceived locus of causality. That's the origin of our perception, which can be internal or external. Are we judging based on something within us or outside of us? (We'll talk more about that later.)
When we judge, we mentally process the causes of a behavior or an event to feel safe in the world. It just comes naturally to us.
Judging in itself is not inherently bad.
We probably wouldn't be here if our ancestors hadn't judged at some point: “Oh, there's that friendly sabertooth tiger over there. Let me go pet it.”
And there goes our bloodline.
Judging has a purpose—the desire to be safe and survive.
But we also need the skill to discern whether or not we are actually in danger.
How We Judge
We judge in three fundamental ways: by appearance, sociability, and morality.
Appearance
A basic example of how we judge based on appearance is the symbolism in old western films. The guy in the white hat is good, and the guy in the black hat is bad.
Or, that meat looks rotten, so I had better not eat it.
Sociability
Judgment based on sociability refers to our animal nature—the pack mentality. If a tribe member has isolated itself, it may be because of illness, so it's best to stay away.
Morality
With morality, we judge based on whether or not we believe someone else's beliefs in what is right and align with our own.
This brings us back to discernment. Are we really in peril if we encounter someone whose beliefs don't align with our own?
Carl Jung's concept of projection is a nice segue here…
Although our conscious minds are avoiding our own flaws, they still want to deal with them on a deeper level, so we magnify those flaws in others.
—Carl Jung
Our conscious mind knows we have flaws and wants to deal with them on some level but may not be entirely up to the task. It’s much easier to project those flaws onto others. That way, we don’t have to look at our own personality glitches.
Jung suggests that the parts of us that we avoid or disown become part of our shadow.
Here's where the morality part comes in.
For example, if I have disowned my sexuality, my morals say that one should suppress one's sexuality and dress modestly. If I see a woman who's scantily clad, I may judge her as being unvirtuous or an indecent person. I project onto her the hidden sexual part of myself. My morality—which is subjective—causes me to judge another person.
Because all beings are interconnected,
when we judge others we are actually judging the self.
What is Non-judgment?
Nonjudgment is not the elimination of instinctive appraisal of a person or situation, but the suspension of the “othering” response related to it.
We've already established that we're going to judge. It's what we do with the judgment that matters.
Take that scantily clad woman, for example. If I’ve done my shadow work, when I see her expressing her sexuality, I recognize I have that in me, too. I may not choose to show it, but we are both similar. We both possess a sexual aspect.
Nonjudgment of the Self
We don't want to “other” ourselves any more than we want to “other” those around us. That compassion that we have for our fellow human beings? We want to have that for ourselves as well.
The Benefits of Nonjudgment
Avoiding the comparison trap
Let's say you see a post on Instagram by someone in your line of work who's already established in your shared field, but they've done it at a much younger age. Or they have thousands of followers, and you have 12.
When we compare, we shame ourselves. Nonjudgment eliminates that.
We can remind ourselves why we do what we do, and take solace in our path being our own. We will walk it at our own pace.
Creating connection with others
Instead of comparing ourselves to others, we create a feeling of connection with others. Shadow work is a great way to practice that.
Gaining clarity of vision
When we're not judging ourselves, we have clarity of vision, which helps us make wise decisions.
Seeing more of life's beauty
Nonjudgment clears the way to appreciate the magic of life all around us. It helps us to be grateful for this life, leading us to peace of mind.
It's all about having compassion toward others and the Self.
I can have compassion for someone different from me and myself because there's no reason to judge. I'm safe, I'm secure, and we're all connected.
Not judging ourselves means saying, “I accept where I am,
even if I want to change what is happening now.”
Not judging ourselves allows us to move into deep inner work more freely. We eliminate the obstacle of shame. Why did I do that? I'm a mess. That kind of self talk. It doesn't help.
Attribution theory and the locus of causality
According to Heider, the origin point of our perception is either internal or external. For example, I am terrible at gardening. That’s internal attribution. That's me.
That can be shifted to: There was too much rain this season to grow healthy crops. That's external attribution. The bad gardening happened because of something outside of me.
The goal is to integrate external information so we have a stronger sense of self.
We don't want to make excuses or blame like, I'm a shitty gardener because of the stupid weather. We want to rise above and take a larger view that helps us to grow. In other words: The weather is not in my control, but I can use this season as a lesson in preparing for inclement weather when I garden next year.
Impostor Syndrome
Now, let's examine one instance of self-judgment in our daily lives: impostor syndrome. Most of us experience it at some point. Very simply, impostor syndrome is the feeling that we are not good enough just as we are, and it's very much tied in with negative self-talk.
Let's look at a few examples of imposter syndrome and how to reframe it.
Notice how we're a) taking our internal belief and b) expanding outward to see the larger picture and then c) integrating that new idea into our self-perception.
You can see that it's much more forgiving and gentler to do that for yourself. You’re clearing the path so you can keep going.
Why nonjudgment is a vital tool as we build a Foundation of Self
As you embark on inner work, you’re going to necessarily face elements of yourself that you want to change. It's much easier to make necessary shifts in your behavior when you remain open and supportive of yourself. Judging yourself puts the brakes on your progress, immediately screeching it to a halt.
Here's how that might show up.
Judging ourselves for past behavior
As we begin the Foundation of Self work, we may judge ourselves for past behavior. For example, we may stay in an unhealthy relationship even after the signs show it’s not the right match.
We might judge ourselves. Why did I do that? Why did I stay in that thing so long? I was so stupid.
Judgment slams the door shut. It puts the brakes on our growth.
Using (and forgetting) the tools
Another way we encounter self-judgment in inner work is when we begin to learn and use the Foundation of Self tools.
Let's say you're reframing for self-acceptance (as in the impostor syndrome image above).
You'll be doing great. Getting really good at reframing. You’re catching that nasty voice in your head. You reframe it, and you feel better.
Then one day you'll catch yourself getting down on yourself. Unconsciously, it goes on for so long that you get into a bit of a funk. You might wonder why you’re in such a bad mood and—Oh my gosh, I haven't been reframing. I haven't been taking care of my self-talk. I was doing so well! This is crazy! I'm not making any progress!
You see how that kind of judgment stops you in your tracks? It's shaming. It doesn't allow you to be open and grow. Instead, you might try showing gentle encouragement.
That's what nonjudgment does, and that's why it's the lifeblood of this work.
As soon as we let go of judgment and begin to see ourselves as a work in progress—one that we’re lovingly scooting along, encouraging, and picking up when we fall—we're much better able to progress and achieve the growth we desire.
Next, we'll dive into the first step of our Foundation of Self work: Awareness.
Until then, be gentle with yourself.
xo RA
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