Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are.
If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen.
—Henry Cloud
In my thirties, my romantic life relied heavily on online dating sites. (There weren’t even apps back then.) It required an awful lot of administrative work to maintain the five—yes, five—dating services I subscribed to.
I was plucky about the whole thing, determined to find my soulmate. I remained undeterred even when one man’s profile read, “Must love goats.” (I’m not kidding.)
After a while, however, I became frustrated by the constant commiserating with my single girlfriends over how hard dating was, each of us encouraging the other that there simply must be someone out there for us. Underneath our conversations was the paralyzing fear: What if there isn’t?
Yes, I wondered. What then?
It would be a life alone...just like the one I’d been living and enjoying.
Almost everyone searching for a partner has heard the aggravating advice: “When you stop looking, you’ll find someone.” Perhaps you’ve even taken this advice. It works for a while, abstaining from romantic dealings for a week or two only to wake up one Saturday at 2 a.m. on the couch in a pool of drool with the DVD menu of Nurse Betty looping on your TV1.
You’ve just spent another Friday night alone. Not so satisfying after all.
The fear kicks in that this is how you’ll die. It’ll be death by romantic comedy or by choking on a popcorn kernel. No one will find your body for weeks...
So where is the middle ground?
How can we celebrate our solitude while seeking love?
Take a small nugget of your beloved aloneness with you on your dates.
One of the greatest pleasures is coming home after a great date and luxuriating in all the memories of your time together.
Your solitude is your best friend.
Tell it out loud how it felt when your date gave you a surprise kiss in the middle of the sidewalk.
Or how he smelled.
Or how right it felt sitting so close to her at the restaurant.
And if things don’t work out? Whether the relationship tanks after the first or the twenty-first date, your solitude will buoy you up. You’re not retreating to a lonely life; you’re continuing the eternal love affair with your Self.
Remember that you cannot make anyone love you. No amount of primping, push-upping, pumping weights, or waxing will create love where it cannot be. This fact is a gift from the universe. Take it. Why? Because of one vital thing: If you’re with the wrong person, you are unavailable for the right one.
Do not compromise, and do not undervalue your Holy Self. Ever.
Use your time alone to replenish, refresh, and recharge your soul’s batteries. Then get out there and dazzle the world with you.
The Social Club
Dating is a fantastic opportunity to meet other people. Think of it as a social club. When you’ve made plans for the next date, try this:
· Wear an outfit that makes you feel unabashedly you.
· Meditate before you leave the house.
· Plan an after-hours date with yourself. Treat yourself to a movie rental. Have a cup of expensive tea. Write in your journal. Choose something you’ll look forward to.
Adapted from Celebrating Solitude: How to Discover and Honor Your Highest Self by Rachel Astarte. Revised February 2025.
This definitely did not happen to me in 2003.
So relatable! I have a "friend" who used to wake up on the couch with McDonald's fries stuck to their cheeks right around the time you weren't waking up in a drool pool to Nurse Betty's DVD menu. Intimacy, which is to say attachment, can be so sticky. Thanks for making it fun.